August 13, 2007
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Dating & Standards
I’ve
had this discussion with several people over the last week about the
whole dating process and what’s out there. Sure…there are wonderful
men and women that are searching for someone to share their life with,
however where does one go? How do you meet? How do you know if you’re
compatible? How do you know if they are really…REAL?Recently
friends have been trying to connect me with eligible bachelors that
they believe might be compatible with me. From spending time with me,
they know about my desires and standards that I have. I feel that for
the most part, I’m a pretty easy going person. I think I’m likable. I
don’t get asked out (and I’m not sure why people are so surprised by
that), but I really don’t put myself in the position to get asked out.
I do like to spend time on my own and I embrace that solitude. I will
not ever give that up. I spend a great deal of time with my family and
that will not change. My spirituality is important to me, so one has
to have that as a integral part of their life as well. Handsome is a
must. I find that I’m attracted to the bad boy look (sans the
attitude), but most often I’m with the…as some of my friends say
“nerd-type”. They are attractive, but they have this quality…I
don’t know what it is. I prefer men that are taller than me – which I
guess is not hard since I’m only 5’2. A person that is active would be
nice. Common interests are necessary but I’m willing to explore new
things too. Respectful, spiritual, family-oriented, educated, affectionate, movie-lover…Is
there such thing as finding the ideal person? That has all the
characteristics you want and more? I like to believe that there is,
but with my lack of experience since being out of the dating world for
so long…sigh…I’m just not sure.I
tend to be shy when first meeting someone. I can hold my own, but
typically I’m not very assertive. In my recent experience men who
initially appear interested start off with the language and standards I find
appealing and the respect I deem mandatory…but……forgive me for being crass, but they are just trying to have sex with me and they become very aggressive in language and action…and that’s the sure way that they won’t. EVER.
I
don’t carry myself as a loose woman. I normally don’t dress
provocatively. I respect myself. Once I’m involved with someone for a
while and the standards of being honored, the ability to communicate
cleanly is there, and when I feel safe, my “naughty-side” (if you
will) can come out. That’s the benefit of being in a loving, caring,
respectful relationship.BUT…
They don’t get that person unless I get what I want and need. It takes time to get to know someone. I think that’s a problem or a lacking standard now-a-days…people jump in too soon. I admit, I’m also speaking from unfortunate previous experience.
So I’m learning and changing. I will be respected. I will be treated with dignity. I will give myself time.
So help me…
- Is it normal for men to expect sex on the first date?
- Is it typical for a great deal of physical interaction?
- Is
it unreasonable to expect that someone dress appropriately for a first
date? (I guess it depends on your definition of appropriate and your
sense of style) - How
do you fend off undesired physical touching, without being overly
aggressive, with someone you might like but hardly know? (Do you have
to be a b!$#% ?)
What is a deal-breaker?
Here are some fun, interesting questions (to take you back to your memory bank):
- What was your best first date?
- What was your worst?
- What is your ideal date?
I’m
at a loss really. I suppose that’s why online dating sites and social
networking is so big now. It’s a big wide world and this is yet
another way to interact. I admit that I’ve become part of that social
networking community. It’s still a work in progress, but I developed
www.cougarlady.com as a dating portal for cougar women and men who
desire them. Perhaps my interest in doing something like that is to
open that world for me a little more. This week I need to post to find
women to photograph to put on the site. I have some articles that I’m
writing to put on the site and I’m going to have a relationship coach
do Q & A. It’s still a work in progress, but at least it’s live
for the moment. I won’t really promote (although I admit I’m doing a
little of it now) until I get all the finishing touches on it. Another
one of my projects to keep me busy.
I’m
also working on my Conflict Coaching site (www.conflictcoachingco.com)
and putting video clips on the home page. I have testimonials from
former clients and I’m going to use actors to portray them. I’m also
going to have myself in a part of the clip. I’m working on my message
boards, uploading files for client download, and so much more. So much
to do…
Well…my daughter came home on Friday. She’s spent a great deal of time with the grandparents and I was grateful for the time away. There has been so much to deal with and I needed to still work through things and plan for change while she had time to consider what direction she wants to go in her life. A while ago I had
made the decision to change schools but I had not yet discussed it with her. I wasn’t looking forward to
what I expected to be a negative, emotional response. Actually, to my
surprise, she is happy and even excited about it. I feel such relief. I don’t think it’ll always be easy. I know she and I will still have trials and challenges – that’s part of life. But there is no mistake that I love her. I want
the best for her. I pray that she succeeds in life and that she makes
better decisions than she has in the past. I hopes she learns from her
mistakes.
That’s
all we can really do, right? We can either whine, complain, and blame
or pick ourselves up…dust off…and move on. Life is too short. I
want to be happy – and I am. Although things are not ideal, I am a
work in progress. My faith, love, and desire continues to mold me and
mark the path for my future.
—-I was flipping through TV and, of course, watching my TIVO. I was thinking about the actors/celebrities/personalities that I find attractive. My top candidates are:
Robert De Niro (love, love, love him! And yes, he loves black women!)
Andy Garcia
Vincent D’Onofrio
Brad Pitt
Matt Damon
Keanu Reeves
Mark Wahlberg
Paolo Maldini
Hugh Grant
Colin Farrell
Ok…I got carried away….
Colin Firth
Justin Timberlake
Clive Owen
Hugh Jackman
Ioan Gruffudd
Wait….here’s a few more...
Richard Grieco
Ryan Phillippe
Jude Law
David Gandy
Matthew McConaughey
Goran Visnjic
Jesse Metcalfe
Stephen DorffOk…that’s all for now…
All these guys, or I’m sure men who may look like them, are out of my league, however I can dream can’t I?
What actors, models, or sports players do you find attractive?
Comments (6)
<LI>Is it normal for men to expect sex on the first date? NORMAL? no… not if they are a gentleman that’s worth anything
<LI>Is it typical for a great deal of physical interaction? Only if you are that type of person
<LI>Is it unreasonable to expect that someone dress appropriately for a first date? (I guess it depends on your definition of appropriate and your sense of style) NO, it is not unreasonable
<LI>How do you fend off undesired physical touching, without being overly aggressive, with someone you might like but hardly know? (Do you have to be a b!$#% ?) Unfortunately, yea… you usually have to be a B@#&*
<LI>What is a deal-breaker? Deal breakers vary from person to person… they are qualities that, no matter how much you like the person, you simply will NOT tolerate in a mate. They can range from political views to job choice to physical traits…. some people just can’t handle excessive body hair, for example
<LI>What was your best first date? the one I had with my current guy, who I refer to as Mr. Mystery on my page
<LI>What was your worst? oh, well, there was a guy who was handsome, and well-off… but was dumber than a box of rocks. He kept asking me the same questions over and over… immediately after he asked the first time – it wasn’t like he asked in the beginning of the evening and then forgot. It was more like “So what did you do today? (nods at my response) uh huh… what did you do today? (I answer again… he’s silent for about a minute) So, tell me what you did today.” AND when we went to eat, he held his fork like a 2 yr old… in his fist… a definite deal breaker for me. I spent most of the night with this WTF look on my face… lol
<LI>What is your ideal date? good conversation… food is always good… I dunno, it depends on my mood… but usually all I need is good conversation with someone who “gets” me, the rest of it is frosting, ya know?
you write such great entries!
i’m personally a fan of Benecio Del Toro… and Matt Damon.
as for the deal breakers: i’d have to say, my deal breakers would be anything that would be done to compromises my standards.
you asked: “Is it normal for men to expect sex on the first date?” just curious: why do you ask if it is normal for them? is it normal to you? what are your standards?
dating can be nerve-wracking.. that’s for sure! i was with my ex from 17-25 yrs old, so i felt like i missed out on so much in the informative dating years when we broke up….. i had no clue what i was doing. it’s scary putting yourself out there.
but, through it all i’ve learned that i am never worth settling. and i think God truly puts the right person in our paths when it’s the right time… His time.
thanks for your sweet comments … I’m glad we have found something that works for us as well! I hear you on the dating standards.. when i was dating, things that seemed soo easy to others were hard for me to comprehend.. yeah excessive physical touching is hard to deal with without being bitchy, however, you can gently take his hand off off you, place it on the table stare in his eyes and say ” I like you, but i don’t really know you.. and i never let anyone i don’t know touch me like that” if he doesnt get that message loud and clear walk away!
best first date? well that is a long story, but it all starts with my husband and I 5 1/2 years ago…..!
worst first date? I liked this guy for years, and we finally went out on a date.. I ordered steak (why?) and it was a little too tough, and as i was cutting into it, the whole plate, steak and all went flying across the table at my date! needless to say, It didnt work out!
A normal guy wants sex on the first date (Hoping, packing a condom just in case) but a jerk or worse expects it. Who cares if he expects it, he’s not getting it. Tell him to go to an escort service.
Physical action typical? On a first date? Ewww. Unwanted physical touching? That’s abusive and I would be dialing a cab. I don’t fend off and hang around. I respect myself. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
I’m glad you’re trying to meet through friends. I had a terrible experience meeting someone on line and one that was fine. I tried it twice.
Seriously if you want to go out on 10 dates and no touching, if he’s a good guy and interested in you, he’ll wait.
Keanu Reeves
Mark Wahlberg
Colin Firth
Hugh Jackman
Gorin Visnjic
best date, worst date, i dunno.
ideal date: walking all over a city. walking is the best way to get to know somebody, discuss a serious issue, everything. because you aren’t looking at each other and you can express yourself freely, just the 2 of you.
Well, first of all, good for you for even thinking about dating! I’m thrilled for you. Now, onto your laundry list of questions. LOL In your list of qualities, you say he “must” be handsome. The thing about handsome is that it’s more than skin deep. I’ve met some very attractive men that turned ugly the moment the opened their mouths. I’ve also met average looking men with a great personality and a sense of humor that always kept me laughing and after awhile they became more and more attractive. The thing I’ve learned from most (not all) good looking men is that not only do you know their handsome, THEY know it too. And they act accordingly. Ugh, no time for that, thanks. Don’t write someone off just because the symphony hasn’t started playing yet. Maybe their just getting tuned up.
Sex on the first date. Men are wired differently than women, and they think about sex on average like once ever 30 seconds or so, if I remember right. Doesn’t mean their going to get it. Having a condom in their wallet isn’t really a bad thing, either, if you think about some of the possible things it could mean. 1) It means that he respects himself and his partner enough to have safe sex. 2) You don’t have to force him to wear one. 3) He would rather carry one and have nothing happen than not carry one and either succumb to the moment and have unprotected sex or stop in the heat of passion. At any rate, nowadays both men and women are sexually aggressive. Neither party has the right to act inappropriately.
Physical interaction is a pretty broad term. It could be anything from holding hands to sex. The amount and level of contact would really depend on the people involved. You could go on a long walk holding hands with a light kiss on the cheek for goodnight and have had a large amount of physical contact. Go with what your comfort level is. He will either respect your boundaries or he won’t. If he doesn’t, then you’ve saved yourself another date with him.
As for the dress code, it would really depend on what kind of date it is. You don’t want to go to a football game in a cocktail dress, after all. However, if you’re going to a nice restaurant for dinner and he shows up wearing cut-off jeans and flip flops, I would fully support your decision to send him home with a “Thank you, but I don’t think this is going to work out.” If you’re nice, you could offer him gas money. I’m not nice, and he should know better.
Unwanted physical touching…I would probably try body language first. If he’s perceptive he will know whether or not you would welcome some sort of overature. But, in case I’m giving him too much credit, if it’s something like a kiss, I would just take a small step back, then say something like, “I’m sorry. I like you, but I need to take things slowly. I hope you understand.” If you does, it won’t be a problem. If he doesn’t, well, you’ve just saved yourself another date.
Some deal breakers for me: Smokers (as I do not smoke), drug users, excessive drinking, mistreating the waitstaff at a restaurant, and any kind of animal cruelty. The list gets longer as you have more time to get to know them, but these things should be observable mainly from a first date on.
Not sure if any of this helps at all, but here’s my two cents worth anyhow.