September 13, 2008

• Keith

  Keith,

  You’re in your final resting place. 
  Confidently, I know you’re at our Lord’s right hand.  Although I should find
  peace and joy in the moment, I’m heartbroken.  I’m so blessed for the little
  time we had together (since you were such a busy guy).  I respected and admired
  the many areas you served others and your dedication to share God’s love.  In as
  much as I felt selfish because I wanted more time with you, I honored God’s
  calling in your life. 

  There are so many memories that I
  have about our time together.  Our commonalities regarding relational
  experiences made it so easy to share my heart and hopes.  Our understanding of
  how we were called to serve in so many areas because of our “single status”. 
  Your encouragement through my challenges lifted my spirit.  Your advice to get
  rid of e unhealthy and unsafe people in my life was helpful.  Your willingness
  to share your experiences was invaluable.

  I miss your voice, your eyes with a
  hint of mischief, your humor, sharp wit, your laughter, intellect, warm smile,
  tender kisses, and so much more.

  I know we didn’t have an official
  “relationship”, but there was no mistaking our care, concern, and love for each
  other.  Circumstances and distance kept us apart.  Those were situations we
  could have overcome.  With our schedules, it was challenging, but doable if we
  gave ourselves that time to plan.  “Soon”…”Soon” That’s what we kept saying to
  each other.  Your texts to assure me that you wanted to see me were comforting. 
  You didn’t want me to doubt you.  Sadly our time didn’t come.  Who knew?  God
  did. 

  Our time together was so short – so
  fleeting.  I want to cry and lash out like a petulant child, but none of that
  will bring you back.  There is so much that is unspoken.  Finalization of things
  on my end could have possibly meant the “real” beginning of things for us? 
  Could that have been true?  You were the answer to my prayer for a Godly man.  I
  ensured that I wasn’t too forward to honor where we were; just as I believe that
  you had done for me.

  Now what could have been tortures my
  mind and heart.  Scenarios of a future play over and over like an insistent loop
  that I can’t turn off.    

  My grief is too difficult to
  process.  How do I do it?  It’s not only for what is lost now in our friendship
  and relationship, but also for what could have been.  It’s so distressing that
  it is overwhelming.  I almost can’t bear it but God brings me through.  He bears
  my burdens just as what we are to do with others.  He allowed me to find the
  type of love I deeply desired from a godly man. 

  I used to call your voicemail
  everyday.  I was crushed the day an automated voice responded on the other end. 
  I miss your voice.  I try to recall it.  I kept your voicemail from my birthday
  for a long time.  Only weeks ago did I delete it.  How I wish I had not done so
  now.

  One of the best things my best
  friend did was introduce us.  I recall the smile in your eyes whenever we’d see
  each other.  I can’t deny my hope when I visited her that we could find time
  together.  Clearly it wasn’t enough. 

  I’ve been asking myself why I’m
  grieving so hard.  Could I have felt love again?  Actually…for that matter…really I experienced true, real love for the first time.  Could that what was developing
  between us be more if we had the time?  We will never know now and that is
  heartbreaking because I realize that I have lost someone I love.  I hold it
  inside the best I can, but it is tearing me apart.  I’m grief stricken…Lord help
  me.

  At your memorial, I found myself
  serving instead of focusing on my grief, but I don’t regret that.  I was shocked
  when your sister found me and sat with such compassion to tell me what
  happened.  She comforted me to let me know that you didn’t suffer.  She also
  made a point to tell me that you spoke of me often and that you loved me very
  much.  I prayed for God to give me a sign of some emotion or care that you had
  for me since we didn’t get to speak.  When I heard it, it was an answer to
  prayer.  I can’t tell you how much I hope she meant it.  I know there are other
  women who you’ve cared for and they may be in the same place that I’m in.  I
  can’t focus on that, but just for the hope of what I believed you cared for
  me.  You’ve taught me that I’m
  worthy of love that is filled with adoration, respect, fidelity, honor,
  tenderness, friendship, comfort, conversation, simplicity, ease,
  drama-fee, and ultimately Christian foundation and spirituality without
  being religious.  It was the best kind of love I could have ever
  experienced.  It was so easy. 
  

  At the processional, once we took
  you to the airport and CROSS members set you down, they prayed for you, but then
  they all backed away.  They respectfully and lovingly gave me a few moments
  alone with you.  What an honor!  That moment is imprinted in my heart and will
  stay there forever. 

  I know I loved you and I believed
  you loved me – agape, philos and eros love.  What a gift!!!!!!  Thank you.
  

  I hope the memorial slideshow and
  bookmarks touched others.  It was a way of catharsis and process my grief.  I
  pray it blessed you and others.   

  I thank God for blessing my life
  with you. 

  GBY (remember GYB?!? 
  Lol)

  I love you.  I will see you
  again.

  Karen

  • 9:52 pm
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