August 2, 2009

• Maneuvering towards the old maid?

  I’ve had this concern since I’ve been single that due to my ethnicity and age, I’ll be looking towards a life of loneliness.  When I was a teen and as I’ve matured, I’ve met many “older”, single black women and heard then lament about the lack of dating interest in them.  I thought at first it was just an individual experience, but I have to admit that I see it more and more and wonder if I’ve fallen into that category?  I think I am.  Apparently per a statistic I’ve seen several times, I’m part of the 70% of black women who are single.  Am I maneuvering down the path of becoming an old maid?  

  I’ve increased my social activities since the demise of my last relationship.  I’ve never had issue dating outside of my race.  To be honest, I’ve exclusively dated Caucasian men because there has rarely been interest in me from men of my own race.  Also, I know I’m attracted to white men, so it doesn’t bother me.  However, I believe my fear of being alone has increased.  Mind, you, I’m not desperate to marry or anything.  I enjoy my independence, I’m used to doing things alone, I have a great circle of friends, I have a warm and loving family, and I have no biological clock ticking because I’ve been blessed with wonderful children.  But I do miss the regular companionship, connection, and intimacy a significant other can bring. 

  I went to a party and couldn’t help but notice all the couples milling about – which I think is great – however I couldn’t ignore the few older single women of color who sat silently looking around longingly at couples and sensed the sadness and loneliness.  “Oh man”, I thought, “I’m part of their club”.  I caught myself comparing myself to them and it was unfair, judgmental, and unkind.  I felt so ashamed of myself.  In reality, I’m the one with the problem.  I’m projecting my own insecurity.

  Will I be one of them?  By the look of my life, the answer is yes. 

  I’ll find the cute outfit.  Dress to impress if the venue and environment calls for it.  Have hair and makeup flawless or just go simple.  Either way is completely fine with me.  I can be adventurous.  I can be funny, laid back, and charming, however I admit I’ve lost the confidence that can be seen as intriguing and
  sexy.  I’ve become shy and silent in situations where I know few to
  none of the people there. I often go out on my own instead of staying home alone, but I notice I don’t “connect”.  It’s my own work that has to be done.  Unless and until that is resolved, I’ll find myself in the same situation as many lonely ladies. 

  How sad.

  

  • 1:53 pm
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