Trying to keep motivated and busy…praying for God’s provision and grace…and thankful for each day He gives me….

My friend made a beautiful candle with the thoughts, love, and hopes she has for me…

At the top it says “Inner Peace”…There is a silhouette that to me resembles strength, there is a heart and a flower with the words “new beginnings” with the hope that I will be able to receive love, represent the love I give, and that I can start over and have a new love in my life (and oh…how I desire that so much).

It’s been a bit of a struggle to get going after lying in bed for a week after having bronchitis.  The movitvation went out the window as I had been sleeping for so long.  My body definitely needed it, but I have to be more aware of giving myself the rest I need in order to be healthy and balanced.  My food choices have to improve as well.  I was looking back on some photographs and I can always see a shift in my weight in my face and I definitely feel it in other areas of my body as well.  Sigh!  I’ve just got to do better.

In as much as I’ve been struggling, I realize that making important choices is part of the process.  There have been some opportunities that I’ve dreamed of yet are out of my reach at the moment and it’s really frustrating.  Today, I felt fired up to break free of the chains I’ve put upon myself. 

I’ve begun to work on my books again.  I have a few in process and 2 that are completed.  Publishing is necessary for me to take me to the next level in my work and private practice.  I have seen many books out there and have thought, “I could do that!”.  Well…why haven’t I?  Many reasons – many excuses.  I need to get over myself and just do it.  Reading and research has been done…ISBN in process…formatting happening…

I’ve got to do it…

In process:

Lessons from my Father:  A collection of stories from people as they share about life changing lessons, inspirational stories, and touching tributes they have learned from their heavenly father and earthly father (or father figure).  I’m still accepting stories from people – I’ve first asked from people I know and I review each one specifically.  These stories are not written for emotions sake, but for an opportunity to share from an earthly and spiritual realm an important lesson learned that others can identify, appreciate, and embrace.

Misery of Our Own Making:  The goal is to open a path of self-discovery and serious introspection about the choices we make that causes difficulties we face.  There is ownership that we all have in the challenging circumstances we live in, but also there is hope and growth with making healthier choices to build our character, spiritual life, family, career, and future. 

Conflict Incorporated: This business book takes on serious issues facing all organizations with the specific goal of uncovering the myths that keeps individuals, work groups, and organizations from facing conflict head on and leading through it.

I am facilitating a conflict resolution class I created for an educational institution tomorrow.  God is so good.  For months I haven’t had much scheduled in terms of workshops and it’s happening.  He’s making it happen.  I’m also taking my anger managment, parenting, and co-parenting classes and putting them in a video format to make 24/7/365 access to potential clients.  The vision is pretty cool.  I picture it.  I pray for the skills to make it happen. 

And that’s not all in terms of projects…I’m fired up – I pray to keep the fuel of creativity and energy going. 

Please pray for me.

Last night I found myself feeling a bit worried and discouraged about many things.  I was just getting over my illness and my boys came home sick.  We didn’t get much sleep and they both were out of school today.  They have improved, so they’ll be going back.  But in my worry and angst last night, God brought this passage to me…Matthew 6:25-35

Do Not Worry

    ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ^[a]?

    ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I actually forgot my login to Xanga for about a hot 10 seconds…? 

I’ve been under the radar and practically under my bed.  Illness has struck me so much so where I was in the ER earlier this week, but God is healing me and I’m on the mend. 

Yesterday was probably the first day I’ve felt close to normal so I’ve been working on a few things…and messing up a few things too…  In an attempt to clean-up my laptop, I caused some problems as well.  My computer was kept losing its Internet connection and my programs were running slow if at all.  Yikes!  I live and breathe through my computer as it holds critical work information.  Thank the Lord, I regularly use an external HD backup.  I’d be in a world of hurt then! 

Anyway, I’ve created a new profile on my computer and email system and things are moving along much much better.  Whew!

So, when I wasn’t troubleshooting, I was trying to work on a small video project to put on my site.  I through of an intro video to help people understand the work that I do.  Now…it’s not the best video, but it’s a start in taking my vision into reality (if that’s in fact what I – or the world) wants to see. 

Check it out… http://www.youtube.com/karendash

Other than that, I’m going through my drafts, Inbox and other folders and finding jewels – ideas, thoughts, projects that I have not put into action and I need to quit messing around.  I’m treading water, if you will, and I need to make some progress.

How’s everyone else out there?  I’m goin’ to do some site visitin’…

My son had some questions about his homework. As I thought about his learning style, I found a perfect way to reinforce what was introduced at school. I know I’m not the only one who remembers the Saturday morning animations called “School House Rock”! I loved them (actually, still do) and I could sing the songs right along. I knew every word, it helped my son and I had fun too.

Sing with me…

My children are going to be baptized tonight.  They both dedicated their life to the Lord last year and since then have excitedly anticipated their day of baptism.  I can’t adequately express my joy about their choice.  I, of course, always pray that this would be a choice they would make, but it was always kept inside and within my prayers.  I did not want them to feel pressured or forced whatsoever.  God has placed this desire on their hearts and I’m so grateful that despite everything they are choosing to follow His calling on their lives. 

My cameras are charging…my family is coming from hours away…and we will all rejoice and celebrate this milestone of my children.  As a gift for each of them I purchased dog tags with inscriptions on each.  I pray this will be a memorable moment in their lives forever.  I know it will be in mine.

by Shannon Cavers

A recent post in the Oklahoma Family Law Blog presented by Dan
Nunely, deserves consideration by Texas parents going through divorce. 

In her article The Devastation of Divorce, Trish Berg
states that children of divorce suffer a myriad of losses when their
parents divorce. Ms. Berg points out that it’s difficult to understand
the impact divorce has on the children’s lives until we examine the
losses they suffer in this process. She lists the following five main
losses children experience during divorce:

1. Loss of Dad
- When parents divorce, typically the dad leaves the home, and may not
be present much in the lives of the children. This causes an emotional
vacuum for the children, and they may feel rejected, alone, and
unloved, no matter how much the single parent loves them.

2. Loss of Money
– When dad leaves, so does a lot of the money. Economic resource are,
at best, cut in half, at worst, single parent families live in poverty.

3. Loss of Security – Kids of
divorce often move to a new, smaller home, in a new town, with a new
school. They now have to visit their dad. If mom and dad then begin
dating, an entirely new stress is added to their lives. Their sense of
stability and security is shaken as their world has forever changed.

4. Loss of Harmony
– Many kids whose parents divorce feel caught in the middle. The
fighting may have stopped, but now Mom may talk negatively about dad,
and dad may gripe about mom, all in front of the kids. Parents may play
games with visitation, and hold the children as emotional ransom. This
loss of harmony causes tremendous chaos and stress for kids.

5. Loss of Simplicity
– Life for children of divorce can get very complicated. They have to
schedule everything they do, and remember what weekends they are
visiting dad so they don’t play in a soccer league with games then.
They have to split heir holiday time – Christmas Eve with dad,
Christmas morning with mom. And when life events hit, they have to
worry about mom and dad being in the same place. Who will come to my
eighth grade graduation? Will they see each other? Will they fight?
Family life is now complex and chaotic, and that will last for the rest
of their lives.

I came to an almost startling realization this morning.

At this time yesterday I was awakened from a dream where my husband tells me “I have chosen to be with her and I don’t want to be with you.”  I woke up shaken but proceeded through my day.

Last night, as you read from my previous post, he confirmed his postion with his son and one that I knew due to his actions and choices.  Yes, he still places blame.  No, he doesn’t own his choices.  I did tell him that he is showing his immaturity and he responded that I’m attacking him and that’s my ususal M.O.  I realize I have zero respect for him because it is not like me to throw barbs like that.  I don’t respect him for who he is and what he’s done. 

This morning I woke up startled as well…perhaps a realization that has not ever hit me to the core as it has today.  It’s truly and forever done.  He’s made his choice and because it so directly impacted my son it perhaps shocked me into some place.

My ultimate desire was to have my family whole and although I haven’t always done things in the right manner I’ve known where my heart is and the godly standards were and are not going to change.  Period.

Last week I talked to my attorney about the situation and asked for his help in getting closure and finalizing the divorce.  Over the holidays, my estranged told me he was going to serve me with papers to finish this.  There is no hope to holding on for this “miracle” situation where God takes my marriage and transforms it from a trial to a testimony.  I have to realize that it is not ever going to happen and let go of that dead dream, accept what is, and move forward despite the pain and heartache because that is my only real path to healing and moving on.

I was talking to my friend about dating and I have interested friends, if you will, but I don’t want to put myself in the position where I can then be called a hypocrite.  It’s a very difficult place to be in.  I’m not trying to be religious, but honor standards that I have embraced in my life and model them for my children.  I also am not trying to be a martryr either.  Enough is enough.

My older son has had to wrestle with some difficult feelings today.  He called me this afternoon asking me if I would be willing to go out with daddy “on a date” and have a fresh start.  I hesitated on giving him any definitive answer because I was surprised by the inquiry.  Usually it’s my young one who asks questions or discloses things that go on over with his dad.  Sadly, most of it is not pleasant and when he shares he becomes quite angry or upset. 

I deflected the conversation down another path and we ended the call.  It didn’t end his inquiry and tonight he wanted to resume the conversation.  I told him my standards and that although I had wanted a “fresh start” with daddy, I cannot and will not do that when he is with and living with another woman.  That is not right.  I had heard the sniffles initially, but then I could really hear the crying.  I told him that I understand his pain and heartache, but all we can do is pray for God’s comfort.

I briefly spoke with dad and he was upset because he thought I was bringing him into our adult situation.  I explained that our son was hurting and having difficulty reconciling how he could live his life the way he was when he’s married to his mommy.  Defensiveness with a hint of anger entered the dialog and I told him that I just wanted to see and comfort my son.

10 minutes later I’m holding my son in my arm.  Immediately I start to pray.  I’m praying for God’s touch on his hurting heart, peace that surpasses all understanding (my son had said that he “didn’t expect his life to be like this and he wanted it to be peaceful” – wow), I prayed for God’s covering and love…

I told him not to worry about adult things although I understand more and more that he’s older and he does understand (more than my estranged really wants him to).  My boys have told me about hearing them have sex…about watching her hold and hug him, listening to her call him “babe”, etc.  It turns my stomach.  It angers me and breaks my heart because my children are hurting and suffering too. 

This afternoon my boys and I had met with our youth pastor to discuss their upcoming baptism.  Both boys had made the decision and approached me about making that decision.  They shared about how and when I led them both to dedicate their lives to the Lord.  It wasn’t though any level of pressure or coercion, but an independent decision that they’ve made.  Of course, I’m thrilled and was very supportive and encouraging.  Perhaps that what opened the door for this external expression of heartache and grief.  I know it’s there.  It’s there often because I see it in so many subtle ways and I reach out and comfort any way I can.  I understand his heartache and grief..  Estranged tried to argue with me to say that I wouldn’t have been willing to consider a fresh start with him even if he had left his relationship.  Let me tell you…I even asked for him to go to a marriage encounter conference to save our marriage.  He refused.  I had asked him to come to church so we could all go as a family.  He denied me.  There are so many examples where I had reached out through my anger, disgust, disdain, sickness, heartache, pain, distress…but each time he ultimately chose to be with her. 

That’s the thing he doesn’t want to admit to the boys.  That’s what he’s hoping that they don’t see.  He has a choice and he’s made it.  He just tells them that daddy has “made mistakes” but he’s not a bad person.  He expects that benign explanation should be enough.  Yet they see him still doing what is morally wrong and irresponsible. 

My heart hurt so bad when I was hugging him that I almost couldn’t handle it.  I closed my eyes, hugged him tightly, and kissed him.  I prayed.  I would do anything to take his pain away if I could.  After we left I called because dad didn’t  have my baby with him.  He was left behind with Maria.  Not happy… I’m supposed to get a phone call, but I’m confident that dad is doing damage control.  He will explain anything away that makes him look bad. 

Lord…why? 

This is my child.  I know you know the pain when your child is hurting.  I, however, am not intentionally putting my child through this.

Blow after blow…strike after strike…pain after heartache… Why?  When is it going to end?!?

After a tough night (protected post), this was wonderful to receive today: