As I was going through papers and thankfully throwing them out or recycling them, I came across and envelope with deep, dark writing. Clearly I knew it was mine, but something in the slant of the letters clearly indicated that there their were pain behind those words.
And there were…
“Stop thinking of what you think you lost and look forward for what there is to gain.
Lack of sleep – difficult managing grief but thankfully (I’m) highly functioning and emotive to my children. Inside I am crushed. One of the most challenging times in my life. Desire for major change, but I can’t handle that now. I need to compartmentalize and take things step by step to create successes in life. Admittedly I haven’t accomplished that so well.
Spent time writing – gave him encouragement on his book. I’ve had the opportunity to give love with no expectation of return and got nothing in return. But with Keith I got it in abundance. His joy, laughter, encouragement, and care was like nothing I ever experienced. I was going to say this was the 1st day in 2 weeks where I haven’t cried, but that’s untrue.
Today was his memorial and burial. Last night was the viewing. I did as much as I could to get there but the increased realization that I wouldn’t crushed my soul and spirit.”
I think about the tears I’ve cried for someone who recently broke my heart and honestly I wasted tears. These two individuals were so far apart in integrity, honor, godliness, care, sacrifice, attentiveness, nurturing, and love that I truly must have sought to fill a void with anything instead of waiting for a true and honorable man of God.
This pain in my heart is for someone like Keith. I wish it never was, but it is as it should be.
