June 25, 2007
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Thank you…
I can’t adequately express my gratitude and thanks to all of you posted and sent messages of love and encouragement. This has been such a trying time and my children and I are grateful that there are people out there that care.
I’ve limited my communication with my ex to give myself time to breathe. Today we have spoken and the conversation varied between distant to tense, arguing to placating…I just told him I can no longer engage in counterproductive and unhealthy interaction with him anymore. I did send him my last blog in the midst of my anger and although he was angry and upset with many things I said, some he did not comment on, and from his statements, some things to may impacted him. As an aside…I have gone back and made many of my postings protected for a multitude of reasons – I’m sure you can understand why!
Anyway…we spoke of the impact of this separation on the children. He did apologize because he acknowledged that he was wrong. He was tempted to give a variety of explanations, but bottom line – I didn’t want to hear about it. His actions are his actions – no explanation changes the wrong choices.
He spoke about how angry he’d feel if someone would hurt his child. He stated that for him to know that he is the cause of so much heartache and pain for our children was unbearable to him – I confronted him further to state that his choices were selfish and about him and that he didn’t care about the impact on his children. I was extremely angry and disgusted with him because he was the one hurting our children! To be honest…I wanted him to hurt and feel terrible.
When I stated that I believed that he continued with his behavior knowing that I wouldn’t walk down that path like he did, he immediately responded with stating that he didn’t agree and started to point out my faults. I was so frustrated and angry. He has little to use against to me in terms of my life and actions during our marriage. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not perfect – no where close – but I do try to live a good life. However because he was unfaithful throughout the whole time, lied, deceived, pursued his self-interests, and only pulled out his “trophy wife and family” when it was convenient for him…I was supposed to be this meek, unassertive wife and accept whatever treatment he gave?!? If I confront him about something, he has to find something negative to say about me – and he really doesn’t have much in terms of our married life together. When he does that, it adds insult to injury. I get so angry about it…I have to find another word to replace angry to more accurately express my feelings…I’m insulted that he tries to pull something out (or repeat something that he’s said before) to justify his actions or to have something to talk about since I said something about him..
He says he came to some big realizations when he went to Father/Son camp through our church (yet he still continued his relationship upon his return and going out with Maria and the boys for family/social time).
Realization? (questionable)…Change of life (not)!…Although he says he’s doing it now (moving out, ending the relationship…). Well that is his choice and it does not impact me.
Anyway…he stated that he had not read any email or listened to any voicemail messages. I told him I wanted to schedule a settlement conference and get this divorce done…he wants me to wait.
Instead…he invites me to go to Florida for a conference in which he was invited to speak. He wants me to go with him so the kids can go to Disneyworld and Epcot center (that’s where the conference is). I told him that he is fully capable of going with them alone (I went with the kids to the Bahamas last year)…
He’s sent me so many texts throughout the week from him:
- “Thank u for everything Karen. It hasn’t been all for nothing. I hope u guys have a great day.”
- “Our situation is changing for the better so if u like it let’s go for it.”
- “…see if we can work it out. This is for real this time.”
- “…Long term, and i get this has been way too long, im not going to let u down. U may never like me again but at least u might think im ok”
- “The future now may be bright.”
I’m just weary…and it’s interesting that today’s message was Rising Above Weariness.
1. Lay aside every weight (the weight of the troubles and sin of life).
2. Learn to rest (which I know I don’t do enough of).
3. Wait on the Lord (I’ve been waiting, but for how long? I can’t do it…I choose not to do it anymore).
4. Do not give up (but when is when?).Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we no not give up. Galatians 6:9
I don’t have the strength nor energy to open myself up to him again. I’m angry and hurt over so many things. I definitely hit a strong and pivotal point when my son started grieving so openly. The damage has been too great and he is not a safe person. I have to remember that and stay strong – and get some sleep!
Thanks again to all of you – I really appreciate it. It’s so interesting that I do this work for a living (helping others resolve conflict), yet conflict is running rampant in my life now. It’s a season. There is hope for change.
Comments (3)
I
you.
Know that.
As for him… I told you my thoughts on him and his bullshit Friday.
Stay strong baby.
You can do this.
Wow, that Florida invitation came out of left field. It’s a tough call, but I know you will do what’s right for you. I believe you gave him your terms, and he didn’t live up to them. It may be time to move on unless there is open signs of repentance and a chance in direction on his part. From my perspective, it seems like it’s too early to tell.
Do not got to Florida, and do not wait on the divorce. He is attempting to manipulate you, and it really makes me angry, irate, furious, enraged, wrathful. Sorry, I couldn’t resist that one. If you need to wait on the divorce for YOU, then put it on hold for awhile. Don’t do it for him. He wants to think he can still make you do whatever he wants. I realize I am no professional, but this is an observation I have made. You don’t NEED him. You have your home, a car, food on the table, bills are paid. He is not there and your world hasn’t ended. You are moving toward a healthier life without him, and the healthier you get the harder he tries to get you to slow down on the divorce, go on trips with him, etc. I feel like I can almost read his mind, and I don’t even know this man. If you give in to his requests, I can feel his mind saying “Hah! Gotcha.” Abusers are only powerful if they have someone to abuse. You are too smart, too vibrant, and too beautiful to let him manipulate you and destroy everything you’ve worked so hard to build just so he can feel powerful.