July 24, 2007

• Keeping Friendships Alive

  One of my Xanga friends asked a great question about how
  to go about keeping friendships alive…

  I thought about my friendships.  I thought about people who have come and
  gone from my life – some I was actually glad/relieved, but some I felt a sense
  of sadness and loss.  I can picture their faces and even remember
  names.  There are others who are a distant memory.  There was a
  period of time where my phone would ring off the hook with people I considered
  friends, but then after time, people slowly disappeared – some by my choice,
  others were mutual, and some…I have no idea. 

  Irene has been my friend longer than anyone else.  As mentioned in my previous post, she is a childhood friend. The 2nd closest friend is Ginny.  I’ve known her for
  19 years.  We’ve had significant periods of time where we didn’t
  communicate at all.  I would call or email, but distance sometimes just
  got the best of us.   She has always expressed to me her love and
  thanks that I continued to reach out to her.  I do it because I love
  her.  I know that if we don’t speak frequently that it is because she is,
  like I am, living life.  What also helps is that she and I have the
  same foundational belief systems when it comes to love, friends, family, and
  faith.  We’ve had similar struggles with relationships and family and we
  can be supportive of each other.  We know that if time goes by without
  speaking that we will not hold it against each other and if there is a concern
  - we care enough about each other to talk about it.  Even if it is
  difficult.

  That is what friendship is about to me…

  I think about this every once in a while, but I had a friend named Laura. 
  She and I met through a training project and we became unlikely friends. 
  Her spiritual beliefs were different than mine and I think I was probably her
  first close black friend.  She was very particular and she frequently
  would become frustrated and angry with me because I wasn’t as available to her
  as she’d like.  I’d spend a couple of hours at her house, and when I would
  try to leave she would become angry that I wouldn’t stay a few hours
  more.   If she and I were speaking on the phone and I would direct or
  guide my young boys (at that time they were toddlers – and they are 22 months
  apart), she would get angry that I interrupted our conversation.  If I
  wasn’t able to be as flexible with plans because of my husband and three
  children, she would chastise me.  After a period of time, I didn’t call as
  frequently.  I wouldn’t return calls right away.  I felt a sense of aggravation
  and exhaustion when I thought of calling her.  The last time we really
  spoke turned into an unfortunate argument.  She wanted to go to a taping of
  Dr. Phil and I was in the midst of dealing with the overwhelming pain and heart
  wrenching agony of learning of my husband’s multiple lies and infidelity and
  seeing Dr. Phil wasn’t a priority for me.  I felt she was being selfish
  and non-supportive.  I was angry because I felt she didn’t understand my
  struggle and the importance of my commitment to my children and husband. 
  She had never been married and had zero interest in children – in fact she
  found them distracting and frustrating.  We exchanged harsh words then did
  not speak for months. 

  One evening I received a generic email from one of her friends.  Laura had
  fallen ill and suffered a debilitating brain aneurism or tumor and after falling
  into a coma for several days she was removed from life support and passed
  away.  Her parents didn’t hold a memorial service and that was it. 
  That was a few years ago. 

  I think about it every few months.  I realized that haven’t removed my automatic
  reminder of her birthday from my Outlook and when it pops up, I recall our past. 
  There is sadness.  I don’t regret my actions.  I’m sorry at how
  things between us transpired.  And now she’s gone…due to our different
  spiritual beliefs, I do not believe I’ll see her again.  But, I don’t know
  - maybe I will.

  So…anyway…the question from my fellow blogger was…”how do I do my part to keep us (our
  friendship) together?”  Here was my response…I added a bit more
  since I’ve been processing it since my initial response:

  You know…the best you can
  do is still be available to them.  Stay strong in your faith and
  “…encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called
  “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of
  sin.” – Hebrews 3:13.  I write letters, send cards, a quick email,
  just make an effort when they come into my heart. 

  I’ve known her (Irene)
  since I was 11 years old.  I have another friend (Ginny) who has been a friend for
  almost 19 years.  We’ve gone through periods where we have dropped out of
  touch, but can pick up like a day hasn’t gone by.  If I have a concern
  about our friendship, I evaluate what is really bothering me about it and then
  if I think I’m just having “a moment” I’ll pray and work through
  it.  If I really have a concern that involves them, I gently broach
  it.  Ultimately, I ask myself what I want and value and it is a friendship
  with them. 

  I’ve had friendships that
  have fallen to the way side and it is because our lives have gone in completely
  different directions or the connection isn’t being worked on by both
  sides.  If I address it and it doesn’t change, then I have a choice…do I
  continue to pursue it or recognize the change and let it go?  I’ve done
  both, and sometimes it’s not easy and it hurts.

  I’ve also been
  the one who has fallen out of touch with friends because I’ve been so focused,
  distracted, busy, or overwhelmed in my life.  I’ve had friends who have
  been really harsh with me and others who show me love and a tremendous amount
  of grace.  I know this about me  – sometimes I disconnect and I need to
  do that.  It is not a reflection of my feelings towards anyone, but
  something I need to do for myself.    

  So…continue to do what is
  in your heart.  If you feel that it is not reciprocal, it’s important to
  share your feelings about it and what you miss about your friendship (Use
  “I” language…it helps reduce defensiveness!).  They can either
  change their behavior or continue with what they have been doing.  You can
  decide if that is good enough for you.

  At the end of the day – we
  all have a choice. 

  So let me ask you all a few questions:

  • What
    does friendship mean to you?
  • Who
    is your oldest friend?  How long? 
  • Why
    have you maintained that friendship? 
  • Has
    there been a time that distance/circumstances/troubles kept you from
    communicating?
  • What
    are you willing to do to maintain your friendship? 
    
  • Is there any
    reason you would end a friendship?
  • Have you ever lost a friend and felt sadness or regret?
    

  If I were
  to think about it, there is one friendship that is lost that I miss, however I
  realized the importance of ending it because it was not healthy.  I still
  miss the person, I hope they are well, and I do think of them.  We
  exchanged harsh words and although I apologized, they refused to.  They
  are not used to people challenging them even when they are disrespectful, rude, and
  hurtful.  I will not tolerate it and stood my ground.  After the
  anger subsided, I recognized that our friendship would not be the same as we
  hoped it would be, but I still wish them well and want the best.  I’ve
  made attempts to reconnect but they refuse to do so.  I’ve always gone
  above and beyond even when that person doesn’t deserve it (as in this case);
  however I don’t regret doing so even if their pride and anger keeps them from
  humbling their heart, acknowledging their own negative and hurtful choices, and
  attempting to find peace.  As I said…we all have a choice. 

  Life without children:
  
  I’ve been enjoying the downtime with my kids gone in Florida.  I’ve watched 2 movies per
  night over the last few nights.  Last night I ate popcorn with chocolate
  while I watched them and was awake all night (yes – really…I literally saw
  the sun rise). 

  The weather has been warm – even a bit muggy.  I sat on the porch tonight
  and it was very nice.  Very quiet.  Very relaxing.

  

  • 3:45 am
  • 13 Comments