July 26, 2007

• Denial, Communication, & Misunderstandings…

  In as much as I’ve tried to deny it – I have been quite distressed this week. I kept myself distracted with movies – I checked out and slept…I have enjoyed the quiet, however it has given me no choice but to listen to the loud voices in my head about my life, my family, and my children.
  
  Monday and Tuesday I still worked through the grieving process about the reality of my relationship with my daughter. I had to remove the scales from my eyes and see her for who she is as a young lady, rather than who I want her to be. Perhaps that is something that all parents have to face, however I wasn’t ready for the circumstances that brought me to this place. Those who have read my blog know of what I speak. The pain and sadness have not gone.

  I’ve moved to the place of functioning as I’m known to be a highly functioning person, even in times of stress. However, several times a week, a situation happens that triggers a flood of memories of the past that I cannot seem to escape. This week, while the family is gone, is no exception.  My phone rings at all hours from boys who have found interest in my daughter of the most sordid sense. The calls from her friends have lessened. It is minimnal if at all. Each time I answer the phone to hear the young, deep voice of an unknown boy, I sternly tell them their calls are not welcome and not to call again. I hang up the phone angrily and the memories, choices, lies, actions, and betrayal comes flooding back. The tears, sleeplessness nights, and headaches return. The sadness and realization of accepting a person for whom I no longer know is painful. And I don’t know what to do.
  
  I had a conversation with my father Tuesday.  He shared his perception about my daughter since her last visit with them a week ago. He expressed his disappointment and frustration at her lack of focus and that parents are to prepare their children for life. I agree with that. We are to love and nuture and we do that in many ways but it includes that they have developed physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, with responsibility and respect, and with self-awareness and esteem. He told me that he believes my daugher has digressed and she is no where ready to face the world when she is 18. She’s not mature enough…she’s not responsible. Her focus is on shopping, TV shows, and teen magazines – not her future, her education, her life. Is that typical? The answers will vary. Did I get that from him or my mother? Definitely not. Did I do everything within my power to support and prepare my daugher for the world – yes, for certain I did. As I listened to my father lecture, my heart crumbled a little more…where was he?  Where is her father?  Where is my husband?  Not there when they could have been…yet, they complain. 
  
  Then today…eh mentions that he notices how she takes so much time and energy to do her hair, put on makeup and select her clothes with the rationalization that she is preparing herself for her new girl friend she met at the resort, when, he quickly noted, the girl had many male family members that find my daughter attractive and of interest. I ask her about what she’s been doing since she’s been there and mention the observation made by eh. She becomes greatly upset and defensive. She was crying. Her first response was she wasn’t trying to get any attention, then almost as an afterthought, she asked me what I was talking about.
  
  We spoke for a while. I was not angry, I did not raise my voice, and I wasn’t accusatory. I told her I was just asking questions. I asked why she was so upset and she stated she didn’t understand why I would ask her those questions. I explained that due to her previous choices, I felt it necessary to ask because I did not want to be blind-sided as I was in the past. I believed her when she said she was not involved with any boys. I believed her when she said she was visiting friends and not sneaking around. I believed her when she looked eye to eye at me and lied. This is why I ask. I’d rather know the truth and deal with it. She, despite my feelings, is going to do whatever it is she’s going to do. I will still hold high standards, I will still set and hold expectations, and I will still enforce consequences when warranted. She says that she hates that I ask, but understands why.
  
  My grief earlier in the week prepared me for this conversation today. I wasn’t angry. I didn’t want to ruin her good time. I told her that I loved her and we can talk more at another time. Now was not it.
  
  I feel saddened because this is the second in two “conversations”, if you will, that did not turn out as I expected.
  
  Another was with a friend I met through Xanga. I read her entry and was surprised by the statement written. It was brief, but the way I read it, was heavy-laden with sadness, grief, anger, and maybe depression. Immediately, I became concerned for her and wrote to inquire and ask if she was ok. She responded in a way that I wasn’t prepared for. I felt she accused me of saying something negative about her that I would never do. She meant the comment as dark humor. I didn’t read it that way and felt concerned. Now, she is upset. She cried due to a reaction from reading my comments or questions. I expressed concern and she read it as being cruel.
  
  It’s just not in me to be that way…
  
  So in my distress I am trying to be productive. When I took a photo on my porch on Tuesday, I looked around me and it had no life. It was a dusty dingy porch that wasn’t used and lacked warmth or character. I decided to change that.
  
  * My neighbor gave me some shutters that they wanted to throw out…
  
  
  
  * I bought a rocking chair from my neighbor for $10…
  
  
  
  * I went to my local home improvement store and bought color plants and flowers…
  * My brother gave me some beautiful pots…and…
  
  
  
  
  I think my porch has character now (maybe just a little).  I’m no decorator by any means…
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  I’ll be sitting in my newly painted rocking chair, listening to soft instrumental music, and pray and ponder my methods of communication and the way I perceive situations. I truly mean no harm. In every part of my heart and spirit I try to affirm and show concern for others.
  
  Also, I hung a few more photos. They are of my great grandparents and of my grandmother. I never met any of them.
  
  
  
  
  
  I’m saddened and distressed and so are people I care about.
  
  How could the communication go so off and be so wrong?   Well…it’s happened to all of us:
  
  We can be articulate, well-meaning, and clear in our communication, yet the message doesn’t make it or gets distored somehow in the process…or
  
  We can fumble over our words, have difficulty expressing our feelings, yet people can understand and read us loud and clear…
  
  It’s frustrating. Not to mention how our history, triggers, and personal baggage play a role. I know all those things. I know how communication can unexpectedly take a wrong turn.
  
  It just hurts when it does.

  
  

  • 11:43 pm
  • 8 Comments