October is
an important month that has two events (well, more like one) that appears to be going by unnoticed by
the media this year.  It may be likely
because it’s an election year; however these issues don’t just disappear and
are in dire need of attention. 

 

• National Domestic Violence
  Awareness Month
• Breast Cancer Awareness Month

 

Now, Breast
Cancer is definitely a topic that more of us are aware of.  I do see advertisements, public service
announcements, and events that encourages education, research, and support of
victims.  Sadly, I don’t still see enough
for victims – women and children – of Domestic Violence. 

 

Are we
missing the mark? 

 

I was
thinking about this last night…so, I’ve been puttering around with a 1 minute
script, but I need photographs.  Or I
thought I’d have video clips from people speaking some of the lines.  I don’t know…just trying to work through my ‘sad
day of solitude’.

 

I need
at least 15-30 seconds of video.  With at least 5
seconds either side of the script and expression to allow for editing.  If you’re interested…pick a line.  Use your laptop camera, video camera,
whatever.  Send it to me.  I’m going to put it on my website, blog, and
youtube.  I may even consider sending to
local and national news stations.  If I
do, then I’ll send you a release form.  
Hey…why not.

 

It’s a
project and it helps me work through my grief. 

 

Forward my
request.  I want all types – young,
older, any ethic background – my only requirement is that the lighting good,
volume is clear, and speech is articulate. 

 

Script (Partial):

 

Did you know every 15 seconds a woman is beaten by her partner in the United States?

It could be your mother, your sister, a friend.

Domestic Violence doesn’t discriminate. 

It doesn’t matter how old you are, how much money you make, your
ethnicity or gender. 

As a matter of fact, 5% of all annual domestic violence is committed against
men.

What does matter is your commitment to be violence free. 

Create a safe and secure home for yourself and your family because violence is not an option.”

 

Supported file types

• Audio files: .aif, .aifc, .aiff .asf, .au, .mp2, .mp3,
  .mpa, .snd, .wav, and .wma
• Picture files: .bmp, .dib, .emf, .gif, .jfif, .jpe, .jpeg,
  .jpg, .png, .tif, .tiff, and .wmf
• Video files: .asf, .avi, .m1v, .mp2, .mp2v, .mpe, .mpeg,
  .mpg, .mpv2, .wm, and .wmv

Let’s see what
happens – If I get no responses (or not enough), I’ll still do something basic
on my own, but I thought this would be an interesting way to do it.

When events are reeling out of our control, we feel powerless and small.  It is only by tapping into a higher power (God), and giving our lives over to our faith that we can start to connect to healing. 

Next:  Personal Growth

Question:  Do you think I should still go to the motorcycle event this weekend that was planned with a group of us, Keith included?  It was going to be all couples and now I’ll be alone.  I’m torn.  Should I go or not?

Life is full of challenges, failures, and even tragic events that we cannot avoid but must live through.  Often during these times we discover an inner source of strength, a hidden reserve of energy and love that is just what we needed to make it through.

Describe a time when you discovered an inner source of strength and used it to get through a difficult time?  Describe the quality in detail.  How did it make itself known to you?  What did it enable you to do?  What did you learn about yourself?  What did others say about you as you drew on this source to get through your ordeal?  How were you able to draw on this source at other times?

Next:  Footprints in the Sand (Deepening or Discovery of Faith)

Bittersweet.  Today is a day of joy and remembrance of all the wonderful
aspects of who is his and what we’ll miss.

Today a person trying to speaking the truth in love to me chastised me about my
grieving.  They said I was stopping my life and not having hope or, for
that matter, putting too much of my hope and life into one person.  That couldn’t have been further from the truth.  I didn’t see it that way.

I felt excited and blessed that there was someone in this world that God
brought into my life that met the godly standards and desires that I wanted
especially after all the pain and heartache I experienced.  I waited YEARS
before slowly opening my mind to the possibility that I could open my heart to
someone (years…4+ years). 

He had treated me better than any man before him.  So, yes, I’m grieving
for that.  I made some pretty bad choices before and paid for them dearly in life altering ways.  I decided to go God’s way and not my own, so yes, I’m pained that when I finally feel that I went down the right path that I’m devastated that it was taken from me.  Perhaps that’s selfish.  I’m grieving for not seeing him
and hearing his voice and seeing his smiling face and eyes.  I’m taking
too much time crying over this? 

I’m not overly romantic, but don’t get me wrong, I love romantic things. 
I didn’t over-romanticize what we had.  It was real, sincere, genuine,
caring, and yes, loving.  It’s been…oh my gosh…4 1/2 weeks since he’s been gone.  Can
that be true?!?  He was just laid to rest in his hometown a couple of days
ago.  This upcoming Saturday, we were all supposed to go to the
Street Vibrations Festival.  That Saturday will be 5 weeks…

Yet, I’m taking too much time to grieve?

• I wanted to call and wish him “Happy Birthday” in a sultry voice
• I wanted to make him play 20 questions to find out what his gift was
• I wanted to bug him to make sure he spent enough time with me so I can get my leathers to ride on the back of his bike
• I wanted to roll my eyes when he went into tech mode about some the engine components on show bikes
• I want to listen to his laugh and laugh with him
• I wanted to hear him call some body “Turkey” and then break out into chuckles
  
• I wanted to casually navigate through the crowds of Virginia Street together without a care in the world…

I’m sorry, but right or wrong, I’m grieving for what will not be. 

I am, however, forever grateful, and blessed for the wonderful Christian, giving, loving man that he was.  I am honored to have been part of his life, no matter how short it was. 

Keith,

You’re in your final resting place. 
Confidently, I know you’re at our Lord’s right hand.  Although I should find
peace and joy in the moment, I’m heartbroken.  I’m so blessed for the little
time we had together (since you were such a busy guy).  I respected and admired
the many areas you served others and your dedication to share God’s love.  In as
much as I felt selfish because I wanted more time with you, I honored God’s
calling in your life. 

There are so many memories that I
have about our time together.  Our commonalities regarding relational
experiences made it so easy to share my heart and hopes.  Our understanding of
how we were called to serve in so many areas because of our “single status”. 
Your encouragement through my challenges lifted my spirit.  Your advice to get
rid of e unhealthy and unsafe people in my life was helpful.  Your willingness
to share your experiences was invaluable.

I miss your voice, your eyes with a
hint of mischief, your humor, sharp wit, your laughter, intellect, warm smile,
tender kisses, and so much more.

I know we didn’t have an official
“relationship”, but there was no mistaking our care, concern, and love for each
other.  Circumstances and distance kept us apart.  Those were situations we
could have overcome.  With our schedules, it was challenging, but doable if we
gave ourselves that time to plan.  “Soon”…”Soon” That’s what we kept saying to
each other.  Your texts to assure me that you wanted to see me were comforting. 
You didn’t want me to doubt you.  Sadly our time didn’t come.  Who knew?  God
did. 

Our time together was so short – so
fleeting.  I want to cry and lash out like a petulant child, but none of that
will bring you back.  There is so much that is unspoken.  Finalization of things
on my end could have possibly meant the “real” beginning of things for us? 
Could that have been true?  You were the answer to my prayer for a Godly man.  I
ensured that I wasn’t too forward to honor where we were; just as I believe that
you had done for me.

Now what could have been tortures my
mind and heart.  Scenarios of a future play over and over like an insistent loop
that I can’t turn off.    

My grief is too difficult to
process.  How do I do it?  It’s not only for what is lost now in our friendship
and relationship, but also for what could have been.  It’s so distressing that
it is overwhelming.  I almost can’t bear it but God brings me through.  He bears
my burdens just as what we are to do with others.  He allowed me to find the
type of love I deeply desired from a godly man. 

I used to call your voicemail
everyday.  I was crushed the day an automated voice responded on the other end. 
I miss your voice.  I try to recall it.  I kept your voicemail from my birthday
for a long time.  Only weeks ago did I delete it.  How I wish I had not done so
now.

One of the best things my best
friend did was introduce us.  I recall the smile in your eyes whenever we’d see
each other.  I can’t deny my hope when I visited her that we could find time
together.  Clearly it wasn’t enough. 

I’ve been asking myself why I’m
grieving so hard.  Could I have felt love again?  Actually…for that matter…really I experienced true, real love for the first time.  Could that what was developing
between us be more if we had the time?  We will never know now and that is
heartbreaking because I realize that I have lost someone I love.  I hold it
inside the best I can, but it is tearing me apart.  I’m grief stricken…Lord help
me.

At your memorial, I found myself
serving instead of focusing on my grief, but I don’t regret that.  I was shocked
when your sister found me and sat with such compassion to tell me what
happened.  She comforted me to let me know that you didn’t suffer.  She also
made a point to tell me that you spoke of me often and that you loved me very
much.  I prayed for God to give me a sign of some emotion or care that you had
for me since we didn’t get to speak.  When I heard it, it was an answer to
prayer.  I can’t tell you how much I hope she meant it.  I know there are other
women who you’ve cared for and they may be in the same place that I’m in.  I
can’t focus on that, but just for the hope of what I believed you cared for
me.  You’ve taught me that I’m
worthy of love that is filled with adoration, respect, fidelity, honor,
tenderness, friendship, comfort, conversation, simplicity, ease,
drama-fee, and ultimately Christian foundation and spirituality without
being religious.  It was the best kind of love I could have ever
experienced.  It was so easy. 

At the processional, once we took
you to the airport and CROSS members set you down, they prayed for you, but then
they all backed away.  They respectfully and lovingly gave me a few moments
alone with you.  What an honor!  That moment is imprinted in my heart and will
stay there forever. 

I know I loved you and I believed
you loved me – agape, philos and eros love.  What a gift!!!!!!  Thank you.

I hope the memorial slideshow and
bookmarks touched others.  It was a way of catharsis and process my grief.  I
pray it blessed you and others.   

I thank God for blessing my life
with you. 

GBY (remember GYB?!? 
Lol)

I love you.  I will see you
again.

Karen

My friends blog induced some memories and a song from Anita Baker.

My grieving seems to be deeper than before. God is getting me through. I finally ate yesterday. I think I consumed more calories yesterday (empty calories at that) than I have in this whole past week.

I made a memorial slideshow video underscored with music for my friend Keith. I plan to give it to his family with the memorial bible bookmarks I created. It’s cathartic for me to do these things. The tears seem to lessen, but I feel numb. The ache is so deep. I just can’t believe he’s gone.

His memorial service is tomorrow. They anticipate 500 people. The Navy will participate with an escort and flag line. If I can keep myself together, I’ll be taking photos and video. I’ll see how that goes.

Please say a prayer for his mother Janet, and his brother Greg as well as his niece and nephew and other loved ones.

A dear friend went home to the Lord Saturday, August 20, 2008. Keith was a beloved family member, friend, brother in Christ, and confidant. He was involved in a horrific motorcycle accident approximately 3:30pm in Watsonville. He was such a safe rider. I can’t believe he’s gone.

We had developed a special relationship this past year and I am absolutely distraught. I’ve found myself calling his cell just to hear his voice. I won’t get another, voicemail, email, posting, etc. I won’t see his face again and listen to his easy laughter, look into his warm eyes, have in depth conversations about life, family, and the future…

I’m confused, angry, shocked, pained, and so many other waves of emotions that hit me. I can’t eat – hardly sleep – and the reel of memories and “what ifs” play through my mind. I’m with friends as we grieve together. I have additional photos of my own that I may add to the slide. The ones below are from her.

He and I had made plans that will never now come to fruition. We talked about goals that will never be seen, and we spoke of hopes now dashed.

He loved the Lord with all his heart and his life choices were based on that foundation. He was a Navy Captain, a ministry leader, a Road Captain for Cross Motorcycle Ministries in Morgan Hill, and a wonderful, authentic man of integrity.

I loved him very much.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year….

No…I’m not talking about Christmas. I’m talking about Back to School. Remember that commercial for office/school supplies? The dad was smiling and practically skipping through the store, while the children were gloomily shuffling along.

As of today all of my children are in school. My eldest son (lil’ t as he likes to be called – little teenager – he’ll officially be a teen in 2 1/2 months) started middle school.

He woke up with little issue and quickly got dressed. Before I knew it, he was downstairs having his favorite cereal and happily chomping. Little brother was a bit more tired, but he’s a morning person so he snapped into his typical joyful demeanor in short order.

We made it out the door in plenty of time and when on campus, we casually followed the stream of students on the brand new campus. Any initial anxiety seemed to diminish after he saw his best friend. Although they have no classes together, just seeing each other brought a sense of calm.

As we finally found his building and first class, I slowed my pace. I asked,

“Would you like me to walk with you to your classroom or are you ok?”

With a confident smile, he replied,

“I’m ok. I’m ready.”

Warmly, I smiled in return. My heart was beaming.

“Ok…I know there are tons of kids around, but give me a quick kiss before you go.”

Without hesitation he hugs me and kisses me on the cheek.

As he turned and walked away, I couldn’t help but realize how much he’s grown. Time has gone by so quickly. At the party this weekend, my friend and his former pediatrician spoke about his time in ICU and the miscellaneous challenges he had when he was born. Now…he’s a tall, handsome, sweet young man.

I couldn’t be more proud.

How’s that for a deal?   I suppose I feel like giving a little; helping, supporting – with getting some support for myself. My rates aren’t so bad anyway – $49/month, but everyone is hurting with this economy so if I can find a way to help and be helped, I’ll gladly do it!