My daughter has definitely been trying to “come into her own”…her own world and her own life. It’s to be expected as she chronologically is moving toward adulthood. Maturity-wise, she has a way to go.

Now that’s not a bad thing necessarily. We’ve all been through that stage of trying to forge out into the world and develop our identity, create new relationships, and explore life. The problem is that due to our age and maturity, we often didn’t see the pitfalls that were just underneath our feet. We didn’t know what was lurking around the corner, and we could not anticipate the consequences of our actions in a meaningful way. Sure…we can learn by listening to sound (and not so) advice, but what fun is that? We wanted to have an adventure that was uniquely our own regardless of what may come.

Thus, my daughter and I have been struggling with finding that balance. Unfortunately for her, it is not going exactly as she would like and to her chagrin she’s learning that my boundaries about our family and home are firm. It’s okay. I have given her the opportunity to make different choices if she chooses to live a different life. She has that opportunity now, but it’s not a step I’ll allow to be taken half way. That means that she’ll experience the full realization of her choice instead of taking slow and steady steps while living at home. So, her decision is something that I’ve suggested she strongly consider. If there is one thing she can know for sure that is that I’m consistent and I will follow through. I find in my work as a parenting and conflict coach that many parents are not willing to do that for fear of losing their child’s love or facing their anger. What I do and why I do it is because I do love her with all my heart and I’m willing to face the anger and disappointment because the standards and guidelines are to help her be the best person she can be.

So…as she’s on extended discipline for choices she’s made recently, I felt her disconnection and anger yesterday. You know what? IShe’s allowed to have whatever feelings she wants about it. She can even express it, although it has to be respectful. But, she’ll work through her feelings about it just as I have.

Today, we interacted well, with the tentative smile and somewhat distant communication. I acknowledged her anger playfully telling her that since she’s talking with me now that she could come give me a kiss on the cheek. She warmly smiled (knowing that I knew) and quickly came over as we exchanged kisses. Almost immediately her expression changed as she talked about the days plans and made request for my morning trip to the store.

As I sit here in my office waiting for clients, I considered the boundaries and consequences I have set for her and feel comfortable and confident with them. Granted, she’s not too happy right now, but she’ll get through it. We both will. I wrote her a letter this morning and I thought this is something that I’d share with all you parents and people who care for the little ones in your life.

Parenting is a process and sometimes it’s hard, distressing, and heartbreaking. It’s also joyful, fun, exciting, and full of promise and future. My children are the best things that have ever happened to me. I love them enough to do whatever it takes to help them become great people.

I’ve been working on my book “The Misery of our own Making”. Since I’ve passed a recent bout of writers block, I wrote something for my daughter this morning. I may use it in the chapter on parenting.

You may not realize this but I love you…

I love you enough to tell you things that you don’t want to hear,

I love you enough to set high standards for you to achieve,

I love you enough to do whatever is within my ability to help you reach every goal,

I love you enough to risk facing your anger,

I love you enough to speak the truth in love – honestly and directly,

I love you enough to let you see my pain and weep in sadness and heartache when I’m hurt by loss of connection or trust in our relationship,

I love you enough to live my life as an example (not perfect), but with
purpose so you will do the same,

I love you enough to guide and teach you to be a wonderful, loving, and intelligent young woman,

I love you enough to follow through with consequences when I fear your choices will be disastrous,

I love you enough to stand in the gap for people who should be standing next to and with you,

I love you enough to tell you the truth – even if it might hurt,

I love you enough to make mistakes, ’cause we all do, but with the intent of helping you be a better person,

I love you enough to not allow you do do everything you want because I have more life experience and can see where some paths may lead you,

I love you enough to reach out, even when frustrated and angry,

I love you enough to sacrifice because I want you to have more than I ever did,

I love you enough to not always save you from yourself, but to help you feel the consequences of your choices,

I love you enough to push you harder than you want me to because I know what you are capable of,

I love you enough to help you become a godly woman, a responsible person, a caring individual, and a mature adult,

I love you enough to make tough choices for your betterment (even if you don’t see it that way),

I love you enough to live my life as a godly woman and pray that I am a good example, because…

I love you

©2008 Karen Harold/Conflict Coaching Company

• My daughter’s 18th bday (and her 1st date)
  
• My son’s week-long camping trip
• My long-time friend

I am with my eldest son at his 6th grade, week-long science trip. We are at at beautiful residential outdoor school located in a national forest.

On our trip we have taken hikes daily (minimum 2.5 miles) and today we were on our longest hike which was 5 miles. Big boy is doing great. I brought the whole pharmacy with me but I have not had to use any fast-acting inhalers or use the nebulizer medication. This air is so crisp and clean…if the area were more…ummm….diverse…I’d love to live in an area like this. But…beach life is for me!

Camping usually isn’t my choice for a relaxing getaway. “Roughing it” is when I’m at a hotel that doesn’t have a remote or room service, but despite it all, I’m finding that I am really enjoying myself.

Sister came up yesterday to help chaperone and we’ll all be heading back home tomorrow – which will be her birthday. The big 1-8!!! I can’t believe how quickly time has flown!

Remember the video I posted that my son and I worked on for a contest?!? Well, we found out a couple of days ago (while here at camp) that he’s in the top three in his category!!!! We’ll find out within the next few weeks if he’s won. When I told him, he was so excited and said, “Mommy…I feel like a winner already!”

For more great news – I got the results back from my biopsy and the lump is benign! Thank The Lord!!!

About 20 minutes ago, my son’s group participated in “challenge wall” which is a rock climbing wall with differing difficulty. The parents/chaperones were allowed to participate as well. I’ve never really liked hiking or rock climbing because I was very fearful of heights and especially, of falling. I watched big boy climb with such bravery and pride that I decided that I will conquer that fear (or at the very least that challenge).

I found it to be hard and I struggled a little. I wanted to give up at one point and my heart was beating inside my ears. Fear caused me to sweat and my stomach to turn. When I didn’t hear the ringing in my ears, I heard the yells and the cheers of encouragement for me from the kids.

“Go Karen! You can do it! Keep going!”

I said a brief prayer then I thought of how God has brought me through so much that I could climb this wall. What was keeping me back was my fear and lack of faith.

I wiped my hands on my shorts and with renewed strength tackled the wall. My legs were shaking but I kept going. Joy painted my face as I rang the bell and the cheers below were deafening.

What a great moment.

The group leader, Patrick, asked that the group consider some questions after their climb. One he mentioned was, “How was climbing the wall like life?”

I still have consider although some things popped to mind immediately. Stay tuned. More to come (including pics).

“It’s always something.  Never a dull moment.” 

Those are phrases regularly repeated by my aunt about the incidents, major and minor, of life.

I’ve had a series of events, one on the tail of the other that have been pretty difficult and sometimes outright distressing.  Some things I share, others I keep to myself or a select few of my close friends.  I’ve always wanted to avoid being that “one”.  You know who I’m talking about…that person that always seems to have an issue or drama in their live.  They thrive off of the chaos.  Well, I’m not one of them, but I’m starting to feel like I am.  I don’t like chaos, however, situations of life have really been beating me down a little bit.

Wednesday afternoon I received startling news.  I had a mammogram the week prior and I received a call stating that I had to return for an ultrasound.  They found a lump.  This is not the first time I’ve experienced something like this.  When I was 25, I felt a lump and immediately a excisional biopsy was done.

I will not deny that news that my test was abnormal was shocking and upsetting.  After I was able to manage my emotions, pray, and  focus on a word study on Job.  My praise worship helped a lot too!
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My business has seen an increase of clients which is a blessing.  I have an opportunity to move to a larger space, however I need to ensure that it will fit within my budget.  The larger space will allow me to have a resource library, a conference area for mediation, a space for my office/desk, it has it’s own restroom and a separate entrance.  It’s exciting.  I just have to determine it’s feasible.
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My daughter will have her graduation ceremony next week.  We’re so excited for her.  I’m very proud.  She’s come a long way.
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My girl will also be turning 18 in a couple of weeks.  Wow…I can’t believe it!
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The boys will be out of school soon.  Another school year down and my eldest son will be promoting to middle school.  Wow.  Time flies so fast.

From MSN.com

Report: Stay-at-home moms are worth 6 figures a year

Posted
May 21 2008, 09:24 AM
by
Karen Datko

Rating:

Last night I was surprised to learn that an acquaintance of mine, Darcel, passed away of colon cancer.  Apparently she was diagnosed less than a year ago and although doctors gave her hope that she would have a few years, she lost her battle on May 13.  I was her client for 14 years.  We had become acquaintances and she expressed her joys with me and gave support to me in my difficult times. 

I didn’t know she had fallen ill, so when I saw the letter from her office I thought it to be odd since this year was the first time I didn’t use her services because I was trying to be cost efficient and work within a budget.  She was a knowledgable CPA and was very helpful in bookkeeping and patient in the myriad of questions that I had as my business transformed.  I was grateful for her sweet voice and warm smile.

When I read the news that she had passed away I stood holding the letter and trying to focus my eyes on the words.  It didn’t make sense.  I was in shock and right now it still doesn’t feel real…but it is. 

Although I was tired and prepared to sleep, I stayed awake longer as I processed and began to grieve for her family and friends.  To show my respect, I will be at her memorial service Wednesday.

Tomorrow is not promised.  What are you doing with your life today?

 

I returned home Saturday evening to an excited group of children.  I tell you…we hugged each other so hard, I thought we might hurt one another!  Each child talked a mile a minute and tried to talk over each other to share with me the experiences of the week.  For a few moments my eldest son was quiet and I heard faint sniffling.  I looked back to see my son with tears glistening in his eyes.  I asked if he was okay and he said, “I’m great.  I so happy for you to be home.”

Words overflowed throughout the late evening.  My eyes were burning and fatigue overtook my ability to process, but I worked hard to focus on each of them and respond with the same level of excitement and enthusiasm that they expressed. 

Once we returned home, each child grabbed an item (suitecase, carry-on, briefcase) and I followed behind them as they walked quickly to the front door.  My items were carried and dropped outside my bedroom door then everyone scattered to grab their pillows and blankets.   I promised that we would have a sleepover in mommy’s room and no reminder was needed.  Each grabbed their favorite electronic device and showed me new things they learned, funny videos to share, and shows saved on Tivo. 

The fatigue from the previous week connected with this week slowed my speech and my ability to walk a straight line.  I could barely lift my foot to get up the stairs, but was so relieved to collapse on my bed.  Unfazed, the children clamored around me trying to get my attention.  In the moments I got up to do something, one of them would come to hug me while the others tried to pull them away, each yelling “my mommy!”. 

As all started to relax, they found a comfortable place in my room.  I lied on my bed with a soft smile as I looked at each one of them.  Often I would catch them looking up as if to check that I was really there. 

While I contemplate what to do with the skills I’ve learned in my mediation training.  I desire so greatly to be successful not only for myself but for them as well.  I’m trying to determine what area of mediation I desire to pursue.  Initially, I know that I would like to practice marital mediation (to support relationship reconciliation maybe because my marriaged failed) and also divorce mediation (for those couples who have firmly decided that is the route they want to take).  Perhaps I could even expand my coaching practice to mediate victim-offender parties. 

As I learn about what I can do to create a successful and profitable practice, I struggle with my own personal challenges because of my own marital situation.  My faithful readers know of the situation of my husband’s continuing affair yet his continued obstacles to finalizing our divorce.  My poor children struggle with what they see and honestly so do I.  Going through this divorce has cost me greatly – physically, psychologically, emotionally, health-wise, and spiritually.  To this day, he still resists finalizing the divorce yet continues in his relationship.  It upsets me when I think of them living together as a family.  Within the past week there were many topics that were discussed that triggered difficult emotions for me.  I didn’t need this week to do this, but I kept replaying how unfair it is to me, our marriage, and to our children for him to be playing house with anothr woman and not resolving this marriage after 5 years of separation.  At weeks end, the emotion of it all was overwhelming.  I cried tears of grief, fear, and relief. 

Monday morning has come and gone.  I started modifying my website.  I have my certificate to hang in my office.  I’ve printed an application for our local county family court mediation panel and I’ll submit a copy of my certificate to our family court resource provider who has already approved me as a provider for Anger Management and Parenting Education courses.  I’ve contacted a local mediation center for connection, learning, and opportunities.  I’ve inquired about how I can modify my office and create a client library (dedicated to Forrest “Woody” Mosten which will include our photograph).  I have a few resources to place in it already.  I have a small office and access to a conference room, so I just need to figure out how I can utilize what I have.

I need to continue working on my training video which is a skill-based program to help therapists, attorneys, parent educators, pastoral staff, and others to understand and respond effectively to perpetuators of domestic violence and to respond empathetically to victims of family violence.  I believe this program can be effective for mediators as well.

But…one step at a time.  I need to get my business plan for this type of service.  I don’t want to reinvent the wheel, so perhaps I can get assistance from my fellow class participants.  I know my fees won’t be high, but I’m unsure to what they will be.  Sliding scale?  Firm hourly rate?  I have no idea. 

I also have considered what type of program, workshop, training session, or conference I can develop to invite my esteemed trainer, Woody Mosten. 

So much to think of.  I need to clear my brain somewhat so I can truly get some sleep.  I know I am, and have been, sleep deprived.  My sleep is restless and often my hearing is tuned into my children.  Last night my little guy came in crying because he had a bad dream.  I comforted him before he quickly fell asleep.  I wasn’t so fortunate.

I’m going to try now, because my ability to process is compromised.  I’ll check in soon with you all.

Be well. 

Here I am receiving my certificate from Forrest “Woody” Mosten – I graduated basic training!

 

There is a concept that explains transition in learning (this is just one model) and in my insecurity as I pour through the material, I’m learning how much I don’t know what I don’t know.

I believe I’m in the stage, called “conscious incompetence” which is described as the following:

• the person becomes aware of the existence and relevance of the skill


• the person is therefore also aware of their deficiency in this area, ideally by attempting or trying to use the skill


• the person realizes that by improving their skill or ability in this area their effectiveness will improve


• ideally the person has a measure of the extent of their deficiency in the relevant skill, and a measure of what level of skill is required for their own competence


• the person ideally makes a commitment to learn and practice the new skill, and to move to the ‘conscious competence’ stage

The whole concept of mediation is not foreign to me as I use these skills in my conflict coaching communication practice and within the field of workplace conflict. I am comfortable, if not confident in my skills regarding Domestic Violence and its destructive power and effects. However, it is markedly clear that I have only touched my toe in the wide world (whirlpool) of family/divorce mediation.

To be quite frank, it’s exciting and terrifying at the same time. In my estimation the stakes are higher than in the work I do in workplace mediation. We’re talking about family, children, hopes, and dreams being shattered, torn apart and broken. Anger, fear, heartache and confusion can reign.

Yet, there is power when the people involved can deal with the emotional side of the divorce in mediation versus the process of litigation. There is power in that type of transition where feelings, thoughts, concerns, and fears can be communicated and heard in a safe setting. A wonderful woman I met today, Denise, said the most profound statement in relation to her divorce mediation process:

“You’re complete when you’re done.” 

I took that to mean that she was able to process her feelings and felt a sense of completion and peace when the mediation process was complete. 

She spoke about the relief and release when the emotions and underlying interests were addressed and were just as important as the other issues that can be mediated through out the divorce process. Did you know that there are, at minimum, 250 issues that can be mediated in a “standard” divorce?

Denise, as well as Woody Mosten, the Association for Conflict Resolution, and of course – my parents are who I have been blessed by to take this training.  I would not be here if it wasn’t for them.  I’m not done with the first exhausting first week and I’m ready to dive into advanced training too. 

Within the challenges and confines of my own personal situation, I have been enlightened to find that there is a purpose beyond the pain. There are opportunities within the obstacles.  I have the willingness to see them and take action.  This is why I’m here.

I miss my children something awful…I’m managing with limited resources…and I’m moving forward in faith.

Instead of a hardening of my heart there is a heightened desire in my spirit. I am encouraged to continue to help others as I have done with parenting education and anger management coaching, but also with providing affordable mediation services to those where it may appear cost prohibitive to them in most circumstances. Hey…if I can make a comfortable living with it to support myself and still work around my children’s schedules that’s the greatest blessing I could ask for out of this situation.

There is a closing ceremony/graduation on Saturday. Family and friends can attend, yet I have none with me to celebrate. Wait…that’s not true. I have new friends. Especially a wonderful one named Denise who made it possible for me to be here. For this I am eternally grateful.

I have much more reading and study to do. It’s a bit intimidating, but I have to read, re-read, and then read more…

In my initial packet about the training, I was forewarned that this would be an exhausting time. That, for certain, is a true statement.

I’ll review and reply to your postings once I get settled when I return home. Thank you for your support and for those of you who have commented. Please don’t underestimate the impact of your words and encouragement. I will respond in kind.

Well…back to studying!

And by the way…my eldest son said to me tonight that he misses me “really, really, really much!” 

Ditto times infinity

K