It
was a day of rest.  It felt strange because I couldn’t overcome the
fatigue, so I succumbed to it…I allowed it to envelope me and take me
blindly through the day.  A few moments my bleary eyes opened and
squinted against the bright sunlight.  I quickly closed them and rolled
over to a cool spot on the sheets. 

My mind, thankfully was
not filled with incessant ideas, thoughts, or worries as it usually
is.  Endless mind racing is the culprit for my insomnia.  It’s enough
to take away your sanity,but thankfully I’m still sane. 

I
felt my week was successful and in one day I had a personal and
professional success that was meaningful for me.  It demonstrated how
there has been some healing, strength, and emotional development. 

I
saw…and saw that he saw…I walked in and out with no emotions or
feelings positively or negatively.  That’s where love can go – no
where.  It can disintegrate and turn into nothing, like it never
existed.  That’s good to a certain level, perhaps.  Why love someone
who doesn’t love you?  It’s a waste of time, energy, and emotion. 

Focusing forward is the goal.  There are important aspects of life that need follow through.

Joy
and celebrations coming upon us.  I can’t believe next week I’m
celebrating another birthday.  I had hopes for something more and
different, but it was not meant to be.  It’s another year gone by
without the dreams that I’ve hoped for.  I suppose that’s why I don’t
make such an effort to celebrate my birthday.  I haven’t had very many
positive experiences, but thankful for those times where people who
loved me have done nice things for me.  I think really because they
know that my history has showed little appreciation or acknowledgment
for that matter.  It was hurtful especially since I usually do so much
for others.  I suppose now I don’t have expectations to avoid
disappointment.

So one day at a time…

I look forward to spending the weekend camping with friends and family.  It should be fun.

June 19, 2009

Hey all…

I know I’ve been missing for a while.  I think I’ve been just trying to handle the daily things of life, the obstacles and the challenges, and getting through the days. 

Last weekend I passed my Motorcycle Safety Course the first time around!  I suppose
for most people it would be easy, but I’m excited that I’ve fulfilled a
desire I’ve had for some time.  I was the only woman in the course, but
that didn’t deter me. 

While I was there and riding, I had
flashbacks and images of Keith which brought sadness, but I pushed
through by remembering his great smile, wonderful warm laugh, and
encouraging words.

I miss him…I’m also tired of being alone. 

I
want to go on rides.  I want to get away on weekends.  I want to hold
hands on the beach.  I want to have quiet, romantic, intimate dinners. 
I want someone to lovingly look into my eyes.  I want someone to laugh
with…someone to cry with…someone to pray with.  I want a spiritual
leader…husband to share my life with.  So much on my mind, I guess.

It was a bittersweet day. 

I know when I’m in a melancholy mood, it’s time for me to change something in the house, so the last couple of days I’ve been painting, bought a new comforter set, and two new lighting fixtures.  That might give me a temporary mood elevation.

My daughter turns 19 on Saturday.  She leaves in less than 3 months to be a married woman in D.C.  I don’t really feel anything.  Is that strange?  I’m looking forward to her starting the next chapter in her life.  Perhaps because I want it for myself as well.  I don’t know….

The kids have been able to swim in our pool for the last couple of days;

Work is slooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww and I’m afraid of
what will be, but with the efforts I’m making, God gives me a glimpse
of progress;

I’m praying about the personal safety issue.  There is a client that is dealing with counter-transference.  He’s focusing some inappropriate feelings towards me  (he thinks he loves me).  Although I have addressed the problem, it’s something that has not taken affect yet and I need to make a decision quickly.  Even with that, there are not enough safety features (cameras, lighting, additional locks, room alarm, another person/security) that I feel I need to be safe.  Honestly it boils down to finances and setting things up.  I can do it alone.  In some groups, it’s just me and men.  It’s not always unsafe, but occasionally I get this “feeling“.  I know God is with me. 

I’ve been approached to challenge the unfortunate
situation from about a month and a half ago.  I’m seriously considering
it.  What have I got to lose now?

Basically all my thoughts are about change…

I’m
begining by telling God that I want to be a productive, fruitful
disciple, one who cooperates with His plan (even if I don’t understand
or get it).

I need to ask God to use His Word to change the way I think.  I need the Holy
Spirit to have free rein in my life. At this point there is no reason to hold anything back.

Have a great Friday and a great weekend!

I recognize that my mind jumps from one topic to another pretty
quickly.  I also realize that there are many tasks and issues that
require my attention.  It can quickly become overwhelming and
stressful.  My ability to accomplish those tasks are dependent on my
personal and professional management and focus so I can actually do
what needs to be done.  I opened myself to support and help to build a
ministry that we could, as a couple, reach out to the hurting in our
area.  I came to depend on it and as quickly as I became settled and
comfortable, the carpet was ripped from under my feet.  Now I’m facing
challenges, including safety issues, that I wish I could talk to my
“partner” about.  But…I can’t.  He, as he said, “Did what he needed
to for himself.”  That statement rings in my ears often.

This is
when the playback of the past few months hits me squarely in the eye and
impales my heart.  This is when I replay the countless times I stroked
his hair, dried his eyes, kissed away his tears, held him as he hurt…

This is the time when I am painfully aware that despite my prayers the
anger and hurt I feel has not gone away.  My struggle reminds me of
what should have been and how I was betrayed.  This is the time when I
realize that my heartache betrays my intellect. 

So what do I do?

Matthew 5:44 – But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good
to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and
persecute you;

I’ve
wanted to do that, but its much easier said than done.  Especially when
it appears that their lives have moved on untouched, unscathed, and they
are not struggling.  It appears that they didn’t care in the first
place which hurts even more.  How is that right?  What makes that just?

Life
does goes on.  This is just a season.  I’m praying for a new season of
wonders and blessings.  I believe my God will make it happen. 

Despite my ailing health due to pneumonia, I find myself feeling much
better.  I don’t have the energy I had, but I know that’ll take time. 

I
wrote so much more and with my fatigue I hit some button and lost all
my thoughts (drats!).  I’m irritated that I can’t recall much of it,
but I have to get whatever thoughts out of my head so I can sleep
peacefully.

Blog round 2…

There are many things I’m
considering in terms of life changes based on the 10-10-10 principles. 
It’s kind of scary, but exciting too.

Many events are coming on
the horizon too.  Recent vacation plans for a Mexican cruise have been
canceled for the recent obvious reasons.  Instead I’m looking at a
roadtrip with the kids and a solo trip for me – I need to get bathing
suit-ready (sheesh for that matter…maid of honor dress-ready).

A
way that has been starting to take place is due to the recent stressful
changes in my life.  Sadly, my hopes and plans for how the
business/ministry is to be run has taken its toll on me.  Losing weight
isn’t necessarily a bad thing though.  There have been some serious
challenges and a couple of safety issues that I’m trying to deal with
that would be easier if I wasn’t dealing with it alone.  But I’m not
giving up.  God won’t let me.

I’m glad I decided to audition
for the Strauss Festival because it’s given me an outlet for stress and
a method for exercise.  I hope that I do well and all my friends come
to take pictures, video, and cheer me on .  This may be the first and
last time I do this!

It’s not the only event on my agenda:

Family visits and BBQ
Susan G Koman walk
Mother’s Day
Ashley’s Bday
FCRC Family BBQ
My birthday
Aunt H’s Bday
Strauss Festival
Ashley’s Wedding

So
much to do…and that’s only what I can think of right now!  If I make
the move I’m thinking about, I’m not sure if it will increase or
decrease my stress.  I just want a simple life of love and laughter, so
I need to ensure that I make the necessary steps and changes to make
that happen – and pray that is within God’s will.

(please?!?)  lol

As I was going through papers and thankfully throwing them out or recycling them, I came across and envelope with deep, dark writing.  Clearly I knew it was mine, but something in the slant of the letters clearly indicated that there their were pain behind those words.

And there were…

“Stop thinking of what you think you lost and look forward for what there is to gain.

Lack of sleep – difficult managing grief but thankfully (I’m) highly functioning and emotive to my children.  Inside I am crushed.  One of the most challenging times in my life.  Desire for major change, but I can’t handle that now.  I need to compartmentalize and take things step by step to create successes in life.  Admittedly I haven’t accomplished that so well.  

Spent time writing – gave him encouragement on his book.  I’ve had the opportunity to give love with no expectation of return and got nothing in return.  But with Keith I got it in abundance.  His joy, laughter, encouragement, and care was like nothing I ever experienced.  I was going to say this was the 1st day in 2 weeks where I haven’t cried, but that’s untrue.  

Today was his memorial and burial.  Last night was the viewing.  I did as much as I could to get there but the increased realization that I wouldn’t crushed my soul and spirit.”

I think about the tears I’ve cried for someone who recently broke my heart and honestly I wasted tears.  These two individuals were so far apart in integrity, honor, godliness, care, sacrifice, attentiveness, nurturing, and love that I truly must have sought to fill a void with anything instead of waiting for a true and honorable man of God.

This pain in my heart is for someone like Keith.  I wish it never was, but it is as it should be.