Slowly the officer kneels down in front of the frightened 10-year old
black girl. Her face is stained by streaks of dried tears and her
lopsided pigtails have lost a few of their color barrettes. She tries
not to shake and she tightly interlaces her fingers and clasps her
hands together in front of her.

“What happened honey?” he gently asks.

His face is blurred despite his close proximity. Instead she clearly
sees the stern and angry face of her father behind him. His dark eyes
are piercing. His lips are drawn in a firm straight line. She would not
yet realize the depths of pain she will feel if she says anything.

“Nothing…nothing.” she somberly whispers.

“Then why were you crying?” he prods.

“Because I was sad and had a bad day.”

A few moments of the delicate dance of question and vague answers
revealed nothing of the chaos that transpired only an hour before. She
knew she would not be protected if she said anything or attributed any
emotion to recent events. So she stumbled over her words and took blame.

“I didn’t have a good day at school and I got in trouble. That’s all.”

She wanted to clutch her arms around the officer’s neck and plead for
him to take her to a safe place. She desired to tell him of the brutal
beating that left her younger brother with a bloodied nose and her with
broken glasses with a cut across the bridge of her nose. The vision of
her father holding her brother in the bushes with full closed-fists
strikes made her shudder and she felt queasy. The sting from the back
hand slap still rung in her head when she had attempted to save her
younger brother. But she couldn’t tell the warfare of pain and
punishment was a regular occurrence. No one would believe that the
family who was all smiles outside their home felt terrified of the man
who was the head of the home.

The position of father was really one of a ferocious controller who
ruled the home with a hand ready to pummel at the slightest bit of
provocation if any at all.

(c) Karen Harold 2009

more photos to come

Elk Grove Citizen – Video about 2009 Strauss Festival

I’ve had this concern since I’ve been single that due to my ethnicity and age, I’ll be looking towards a life of loneliness.  When I was a teen and as I’ve matured, I’ve met many “older”, single black women and heard then lament about the lack of dating interest in them.  I thought at first it was just an individual experience, but I have to admit that I see it more and more and wonder if I’ve fallen into that category?  I think I am.  Apparently per a statistic I’ve seen several times, I’m part of the 70% of black women who are single.  Am I maneuvering down the path of becoming an old maid?  

I’ve increased my social activities since the demise of my last relationship.  I’ve never had issue dating outside of my race.  To be honest, I’ve exclusively dated Caucasian men because there has rarely been interest in me from men of my own race.  Also, I know I’m attracted to white men, so it doesn’t bother me.  However, I believe my fear of being alone has increased.  Mind, you, I’m not desperate to marry or anything.  I enjoy my independence, I’m used to doing things alone, I have a great circle of friends, I have a warm and loving family, and I have no biological clock ticking because I’ve been blessed with wonderful children.  But I do miss the regular companionship, connection, and intimacy a significant other can bring. 

I went to a party and couldn’t help but notice all the couples milling about – which I think is great – however I couldn’t ignore the few older single women of color who sat silently looking around longingly at couples and sensed the sadness and loneliness.  “Oh man”, I thought, “I’m part of their club”.  I caught myself comparing myself to them and it was unfair, judgmental, and unkind.  I felt so ashamed of myself.  In reality, I’m the one with the problem.  I’m projecting my own insecurity.

Will I be one of them?  By the look of my life, the answer is yes. 

I’ll find the cute outfit.  Dress to impress if the venue and environment calls for it.  Have hair and makeup flawless or just go simple.  Either way is completely fine with me.  I can be adventurous.  I can be funny, laid back, and charming, however I admit I’ve lost the confidence that can be seen as intriguing and
sexy.  I’ve become shy and silent in situations where I know few to
none of the people there. I often go out on my own instead of staying home alone, but I notice I don’t “connect”.  It’s my own work that has to be done.  Unless and until that is resolved, I’ll find myself in the same situation as many lonely ladies. 

How sad.

Blue Danube from 2009 Strauss Festival

Tonight marks the completion of the 2nd performance of the Strauss Festival.  It’s exciting and exhausting at the same time.  I’ve been on TV and in the newspaper this week.  Photographers from regional magazines have been here to cover the event, and the wonderful community continues to support this wonderful artistic event.

As many times as I considered giving up, there were just as many reasons for me to continue.  This activity was on my “list”, and I’m blessed to have followed through with it.  I’ve met wonderful people and had a great time with family and supported by great friends. 

Two more nights to go.  Then focusing on practice building…Thank God that the phone has started to ring over the past few days.  It’s all in His timing, but it sure can be scary.  Faith…Faith…Faith…

Thank you Lord, for another year…with family and friends, ups and down, tears and triumphs.  Thank you for it all.

Birthday countdown…2 days…Strauss performance countdown…2 weeks. I think I’m more excited about Strauss

That’s what camping represented.  No nonsense, most basic needed things
of life.  Food, water, and family.  Everyone joked and said I would
suffer missing my amnemities of life that I’m used to and spoiled
by- washer dryer, lighting, shower, heat, etc.  But, nope…I really
didn’t miss it. 

So in the wilderness, I still found Him.  And He was still with me.